studio citro

How to throw yourself a pity party - LOVE IT!

2012-02-05T16:30:00.003+11:00

Not that I need it but finally, there is a manual for how to throw yourself a proper pity party. Brilliant!
Go check it out!

Source: katearends.com via Agnese on Pinterest

The Book of Daniel

2012-02-01T10:56:00.000+11:00

"The book of Daniel is one of the most amazing biographies in the Bible, one of the most amazing biographies in history. His ascendancy to a position of power in the Persian Empire defies political science, but it defines the power of prayer circles. Prayer invites God into the equation, and when that happens, all bets are off. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the locker room, the boardroom, or the classroom. It doesn’t matter whether you practice law or medicine or music. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do. If you stop, drop, and pray, then you never know where you’ll go, what you’ll do, orwho you’ll meet. The irony is that it was prayer that got Daniel into trouble and it was prayer that got Daniel out of trouble. "

Mark Batterson

quote

2012-01-29T17:49:00.002+11:00

“May you grow up to be righteous, may you grow up to be true. May you always know the truth and see the lights surrounding you. May you always be courageous, stand upright and be strong. May you stay forever young.”

- Bob Dylan

via justbesplendid

Dedication

2012-01-24T19:55:00.003+11:00

2012-01-16T21:44:00.001+11:00

Happy birthday little boy!

2012-01-09T21:09:00.000+11:00

Today my little boy turns 1 month! Every mom I know tells me that things get easier around about 6 weeks. I have so much expectation of this that in my mind once I wake up on the morning of the sixth week, the magic switch will be turned and my life will become much easier - just like that.

Ha!

Feeding my little boy has been such a struggle that I feel like in a lot of ways it has robbed me of enjoying him. Worry replaced the enjoyment that I thought I would be basking in during these first weeks. Instead, every feed time I tense up and worry about how he will attach and how I will be able to feed him without getting him too upset. And this little boy feeds 8-10 times a day... I think it has affected everything in our little lives.

Here are the favourite things about my little boy:

The way he stretches when he wakes up
The way he purses his lips and intently watches the world with wide eyes when he's fully content with life
His toothless smiling while dreaming
The way he smells and the softness of his skin
The little feet, toes, hands, ears, belly
He puts his little hands with plump fingers on his cheeks when he's feeding and feeling happy
The relaxed and content body language when we bathe him - complete bliss!

I love you to the moon and back

2011-12-23T21:52:00.000+11:00

What is the state after complete happiness?

2011-12-22T21:47:00.000+11:00

I have always wondered what the love that parents feel for their children is like. Now that I've been a mommy for ten days, I've realised that it is so much bigger and so much deeper than there are words to express. It is so tender and gentle, forgiving and patient. It fills you and it makes you feel complete.

My friends with children tell me that time goes by so fast. I realise it and drink in every minute I have with my little boy. I am enjoying every little thing that he does and I am already wanting another baby. My only regret is that I have waited this long to have children.

Here is a little song that is so sweet and so touching for all moms with little boys! My dear friend Ilze sent it to us - thank you!

My little boy

2011-12-22T21:16:00.004+11:00

Psalm 139

2011-12-21T17:18:00.001+11:00

I found goodness of the LORD in the land of the living

2011-12-06T10:16:00.000+11:00

Even though I wasn't able to write about it until much later, last year around this time was one of the hardest times I've lived through. At that time I wasn't even able to say that I've lost a baby, so I kept saying "I've lost pregnancy", it was a little less painful that way.

Now, a year later, all those sorrows have been turned into happiness - we are so close to the little one arriving!

There is a verse in the Bible, in Joel 2:25, where God says to his people "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten". I feel like the answers I have been looking for as to why it happened, to some extent have been given to me. They are very personal and I won't go into details here but I have found peace about it all.

THEN - lament

In the Old Testament often times when a tragedy happened, men would tear their robe and put ashes on their heads (Like in Job 1:20 "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship".

That's how I felt inside then. I didn't see how to crawl out of that misery and sorrow and emptiness and loss for months. I don't think people around me saw what I went through and every time someone said "You are taking it extremely well", I wanted to scream.

Grief comes in ripples. The fullness of pain inside just swells up and breaks out when a little trigger happens. You mourn and lament, you pick yourself up, you dust it off, you keep going for a while and then it hits you again. With time those ripples are less intense and are further apart but they still come and they still affect the heart.

I was finally able to let it all break out of me one Sunday at church when the girl on the stage was singing and asked everyone "Aren't you happy?!", everyone around was cheery and clapping and I was crying the biggest tears in my life. There was a time to pray and they usually ask people to raise their hands if they need prayer in their life and I wasn't able to do even that, I was a little heap of sorrow on the chair, crying not from my heart but from the depths of my soul. But something happened - I was finally able to cry out of pain and frustration and feeling of betrayal.

After this, a pastor read a verse that I've given to girls who've gone through similar things from Psalm 27:13 "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

That gave me a little bit of peace because it was the exact same verse that I'd given so many times to girls who had gone through the same thing. I was surprised to hear it then, it didn't feel like a coincidence. I went home still feeling low but with a bit more peace inside.

I took a pregnancy test that week. There were two pink lines.

NOW - celebration
10 days left until they say this baby will join this world. I can feel a little foot move from the inside. I can feel life inside me and for me, who is one of the least "mommy-like" person, it is such a satisfying and fulfilling feeling.

I am seeing the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. He has answered my prayers. He has healed my heart. He has given me the joy back.

Countdown - 12 days until the official due date

2011-12-04T14:38:00.001+11:00

Photoshoot

2011-12-02T22:26:00.001+11:00

This was my first photoshoot for a fashion jewellery catalogue and I enjoyed it to the fullest!

Our very good friends own a jewellery business and they do a photoshoot for a catalogue a few times a year. Now that I don't have to work, I can finally do fun things during the week!

So I got to see behind the scenes on how these things are done.

And it was a great time!

Besides being nine and a half months preggie and getting tired much faster than usual, I had the time of my life! Here is a belly photo of me and my friend who is four weeks behind me :)

This is my partner in crime :) Isn't she a gorgeous pregnant girl?!

Being robbed

2011-11-21T23:30:00.001+11:00

So here we are. Less than four weeks to go before the baby comes and with the most expensive item in our whole household being the baby stroller. There is no Tv, no computer, not even an alarm clock left.

Last Friday we got robbed and they cleaned the place out while we were at work. Besides all the electronics that have been taken, that we have worked so hard for and been slowly saving for for the last few years, I have lost things that are really precious to me. I am not big on jewellery, I don't really care about diamonds (although I would not return and ask for money if I got them), but I had a few pieces that had special meaning - my engagement ring, the watch my mom gave me for my 30th, the ring my dad gave me for my 30th, the necklace that Neil gave me before we even got engaged... It's all gone.

I know they are just things. And well meaning people tell me to count the blessings and that all the important things are still here, and I agree with that 100% but I still feel like the fruit of our honest work have been carried out through the front door of our house.

I walk through the house and when I look at the framed photos hanging on our walls, I wonder what these men (I assume) feel when they see the faces of people who live in the places they steal from. Don't they feel a little bit sorry? Don't they feel ashamed when they see a nursery set up for a baby and they steal even the penny jar? How do they live with their conscience?

Based on how the things were taken, I think these people have been in our house before. I might be wrong but I have this feeling. I probably offered them coffee and I thanked them for their work.

We are left with the goodness of friends and family around. Their support and their kindness and prayers. We won't get insurance for any of it so unless a miracle happens, it is all lost.

I hate being strong, sometimes I wish I could fall apart in situations like this. But I can't. Now is not the time. So I am being strong.

Original quote

The final stretch

2011-11-16T09:59:00.000+11:00

My little phone app says that only 4 weeks and 1 day are left to go. This is the last stretch in what has been a really good pregnancy. I can't say that it has been particularly hard, but then again, I was and still am determined not to complain and to enjoy it. I look at it as a gift that will last only 9 months and something that only I will have received.

Of course that there have been parts that have been harder rather than easier, right now even walking seems a tasks. But it's ok, I remind myself that my body was made for this and I would not change it for anything!

I am not sure that I am ready for it yet. I have not taken child birth classes but I have been watching and reading a lot of stuff. I don't know if that's a mistake, will tell you when it's all over :) The reality and stories from friends do make me a little weary at times but I am comforted by the thought that I really do trust my doctor and that we all were born and our moms made it - most of them without classes.

I am wondering what he looks like, I am wondering what it will feel like to hold him, I am wondering how big is this love that all new parents say that they didn't know exist until they held their baby for the first time. I am wondering how I will cope with the sleepless nights and praying that breastfeeding and labor, the two things that seem to be stumbling blocks to some, happen easy. I would love to be able to breastfeed, besides all the health benefits, I think it must be an amazing way to bond with the baby and I really want to experience that. I am also wondering what it will be like to be a mommy and I am wondering what it will be like to have the man I married and know as a husband be a daddy. I wonder how we will make it on one salary.

I am going into this with certain things that I would like to happen but keeping an open mind and ready to be flexible. I am so looking forward to this new chapter and hoping that through tiredness I am able to see what's important and what's not and enjoy the ride. Even the first few weeks, which everyone says are very hard.

I am so excited to become a mommy. I am so ready for it! This baby is so welcome and so expected!

My new crafty self

2011-11-13T15:58:00.001+11:00

Well, I don't know if 'crafty' is the right word for it but at least I think about crafts and pin some really cool things on my pinboard page.

Here are some really cool ones that I think that someone a bit more motivated and with a bit more time could make:

To DIY Anthropologie: cut two rectangles. sew a tube on top of both. pull ribbon/fabric through and knot. sew sides up.

Bookshelf made out of antique apple crates....

Could be DIY Christmas gift - candles with cinnamon sticks. Something tells me that they would smell delightful...

Love the rustic look of this branch centrepiece!

Come and find me on pinboard.

Lizard

2011-11-12T09:16:00.000+11:00

I have never been able to draw but by some fluke, about 15 years ago, I was sitting at my desk and avoiding highschool homework and drew this. Who knew?! (The muse has not returned since)

Baby shower - The Very Hungry Caterpillar

2011-11-09T10:09:00.000+11:00

As we are getting closer to baby M arriving (we still don't have a name!) and I am getting more and more nervous about giving birth, there are other lovely things happening. Such as my baby shower.

I have to say that it was absolutely sweet and delightful! Besides having lovely friends there, the theme, the creativity of my friends and the attention to detail was amazing!

Every dish was in the theme and in the colours! And every dish was delish!

It was so sweet and so lovely!

2011-11-06T10:01:00.000+11:00

I've ALWAYS had an idea/memory box or a pin board, even when I was a little girl. Unfortunately, because I have moved from place to place so many times in my life, I have left them behind (or scanned them in some cases). Mostly I use it top keep good design ideas. Sometimes personal things that have been given/sent to me. Sometimes things that just make me dream. So when I heard of Pinterest, it was clear that it was developed with me in mind.

Ever since I started, I can't stop.

I miss creativity around me. The general busyiness and tiredness in life seems to suck out the time for creativity. Once in a while, when I see something really clever and good that's been created, it sparks this need in me to do something creative.

So here's to creativity and a journey of individuality together! Come and find me there.

Why Riga

2011-11-03T08:37:00.001+11:00

Why Riga filma from Vides Filmu Studija on Vimeo.
I am proud as a peacock when I watch this (actually, it fills me with so much longing for walking through the streets of my city...)

A little hut

2011-10-29T21:38:00.002+11:00

LOVE the idea of paying a small fee for templates to make your own decorations. Check out "A Little Hut" for some very stylish and cool ideas!

49 days left

2011-10-29T11:58:00.001+11:00

It's 10:39 am on Saturday and I am feeling exhausted. I woke up around 6:30 am, had a lovely little decaf coffee with extra sharp cheddar on multi-grain toast, read, took a nap, walked to the kitchen to pour a glass of water and now I am back in bed. Feeling like I've planted a field of potatoes or something of an equivalent.

There is a little boy, the size of a pineapple, inside my belly who wakes up from time to time to let me know he is not entirely happy with my sleeping position and kicks me in the ribs a few times to move. Or maybe he's just stretching out and flexing his muscles?

Now that we live much further from the city where we both work, we are gone for about 12 hours a day. When we get back, it's dinner, lunches for the next day and some tv. I think that's the most tiring part. I am grateful that I get a lift to and from work but sometimes I just want to lay on the couch and rest my big belly, take a little cat nap or read.

Overall, being eight and a half months pregnant is very bearable. I think I was expecting the worst, so the big belly, the heartburns, the planning that is involved in getting off the couch and the tiredness are bearable knowing that it's not long left now.

The most challenging thing for me is the gestational diabetes and checking the sugar two hours after every meal and NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT CAKE. I drool when I see photos of chocolate desserts. I watch people who are enjoying the world's best tiramisu and pretend I eat it while chewing on berries. I have told Neil that as a present after I give birth I want the biggest jar of Nutella. I have considered cutting out dessert recipes and requesting them from my mom-in-law as a treat after birth.

All I can say is that I feel beyond blessed that thing goes away after I give birth. My heart goes out to all diabetics who have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

So today I will take it easy and not leave this bed until I feel completely rested and happy. And I won't feel one bit guilty about it.

Our home

2011-10-14T10:33:00.001+11:00

It’s the first morning in OUR HOUSE!!!

Neil and I got up this morning, both tired but happy. Iruffled through open boxes and found coffee and some cups. Made us a cup ofcoffee and we sat on the deck to drink our coffee and enjoy the first morningtogether in the new house.

Kookaburras and magpies fly in from time to time to see ifthey get fed at this restaurant. Wind is softly blowing the semi-tropical treesaround us and sun is shining beautifully through the bamboos, umbrella treesand others.

Apparently we have an inherited pet-possum named Dave wholikes to come around dinner time and get bread. The previous owners had cats sothere is a little cat door in the kitchen. I was told that if Dave has notreceived his daily portion on the deck, he’ll either tap on the kitchen glassdoor or help himself inside. As soon as he gets the bread, he goes about hispossum business.

We didn’t see him yesterday as we were too busy unpackingbut I am curios to see who is this little neighbor. No doubt there might besome serious screaming if I walk in the kitchen and there is a furry animal inthe middle of it, no matter how cute he might be.

I am also feeling absolutely exhausted. Yesterday was sostressful with the move, rude movers, delayed settlement because of bank error,moving into a house that has not been properly cleaned and just general stuff.Today, when I look back, it all seems a distant history (along with half of all the dishes thatdidn’t make it in one peace but I will take part of the blame for it as Iprobably didn’t do the best job wrapping them…) We have exactly three platesleft!

The best part is that there is a little boy in my belly whowakes up from time to time and gives me the elbow or a little kick. I can’twait for him to arrive and bring him home, to our home. After Neil left forwork, I’ve been sitting here and thanking God for all the good in our lives –having jobs that allow us to buy a house, having health that allow us to go tothese jobs, economy that supports jobs, this house that will be such ablessing, being able to afford to live here. There is so much I am thankfulfor! I feel loved and I feel blessed.

(This was written a few days ago, we don't have internet but when we get it there will be more updates. Dave came to visit us the next night - here is a photo!)

'Going to see my baby'

2011-10-02T09:19:00.000+11:00

How cool is this print 'Going to see my baby' from Strawberryluna?!

Since we are moving into the new house tomorrow, I've been thinking a lot about the baby room. I don't think that I'm the kind of girl who will go nuts on baby stuff but I would like to give that room its own character. I am not the one on blue for boys and pink for girls. In fact, I want to stay away from those colours as much as I can.

My girls here and I went to a big baby stuff sale recently and I got a really cool "set of wheels" for the kiddie room - yellow and red retro-looking car that he can sort of sit on and wheel around when he's at that stage. I think this print would go perfectly in that room. That way it would be a yellowish/red coloured room. Which I think could be really cool and a little bit unusual.

Here are a couple other prints that I think are mega cool. You can find them here

When ads are cool

2011-10-01T07:11:00.001+10:00

I love good advertising! Sadly it's rare to come across something really cool and unique. I think this is the next step in advertising.

Five years down the road

2011-09-22T18:00:00.000+10:00

If we would go by statistics and by "what people say" (or think), we shouldn't be here 5 years down the road.

We met on the internet
We got engaged four months after physically meeting
We spent only two months in the same physical location before we got married

I remember meeting him and after getting to know him better, I was surprised that I've somehow been lucky enough to meet a decent guy. I think I had lost hope at that time, thinking that the decent ones are all sold out. The things that stood out about him was that he always did what he said he would do. Not just in small things like time of our next phone call but also in big things. That and his honesty gave me confidence in him and in the relationship. He wasn't afraid of commitment and he wasn't guarding himself because he was afraid to get hurt, which was so refreshing and unusual.

The first year was a honeymoon - we had just gotten married and finally we could live in the same place at the same time. The second year we'd moved to Australia and didn't have much certainty about jobs or future and also I think the reality of living with another person who has boundaries, likes and dislikes, set in. We went through a period of conscious learning to live together. We accepted that actually the other person is not perfect. And that's ok, we know we want this to work so how do we move on from here?

I've learned enough about him and he about me where we know where each other's boundaries are, what likes and dislikes are. There is trust between us to allow each other to be who we are. I know there are things about me that he puts up with. He is one of the tidiest people I know. I can't say that about myself. He doesn't go on about it. There are things that I wish he did differently but I've stopped nagging about (many) of them. I know he knows and I know he tries but in the end, I've realised that me dripping on and on about the same thing is not going to
change it. We do things together that we both enjoy and I look at it as a gift.

I think mostly we've learned what makes each other feel loved. And we are both generous to give affirmations of love. Sometimes, when he is travelling for work, he brings me back a gossip magazine. I hide a box of chocolates in his bag for an overnight trip. He cooks the dinner. I iron his shirts. He calls me "darling" in public...

In a lot of ways, I've learned to love from him. He forgives and forgets and doesn't bring it up. He doesn't poke my faults in my face every time I make the same mistake for the millionth time. It sounds a little bit cliche but I feel more loved and I love him more now than I did when we first met. Then it was an emotion, now it is an emotion combined with conscious choice and trust and history together. I feel so deeply in love with him today, five years down the road. Writing about this makes me feel like love is more practical than emotional. And I think that in a lot of ways it is. Mostly because after the love goggles are gone the emotional part follows the practical part.

A couple of things that I've learned along the way:

No matter how angry you are (and you will get very angry at some point), never step over the respect boundary
Say "I love you" for absolutely no reason at all. Say it often.
Pick a good time (when you are not emotional and the other person is ready to listen) and let the other person know what the problem is, then let him/her make the choice of how to go about it.

Here is an excerpt from my post after the wedding. I smile when I read it.

"WhenI was walking down the isle I had no intentions of crying. I had so much peace.All the worries about the weather, people getting there, things being done ontime were gone. There was my groom, handsome and smiling. There was my family.There were my friends – it was one of the best days in my life. All I could dowas smile from ear to ear and thank God for all the blessings He has poured outon me."

Wedding Day Memories

88 more days

2011-09-19T07:02:00.000+10:00

Gifted Hands

2011-09-14T08:10:00.002+10:00

It's such a pleasure to do something I enjoy and to do it for a really worthy organisation...

Is it that time yet?

2011-09-13T19:01:00.000+10:00

Brilliant cards

How I got through miscarriage

2011-09-13T08:23:00.000+10:00

Statistically speaking, one in four women have had a miscarriage in her lifetime.

That word is just a hush hush word that no one really enjoys talking about. It's awkward and uncomfortable and not because people don't care but more because there are no words to say that can bring comfort, most of the time we just don't know what to say.

After it happened to us, I was at an event in a room full of people where I looked around at all the women there and wondered how many of them have quietly gone through it.

For me that comfort was in my faith in God - something bigger than myself and my pain. And it was also one of the most confusing times in my life because I was angry to the point of grinding teeth. After all it was God who allowed this to happen. There might have been a few strong words said to him in private.

Because I believe in an honest relationship, I believe that he knows our heart better than we do ourselves and I have no problems being honest. I might be wrong but I think he prefers our trueness rather than withdrawal or excuses.

From experience I can say that it is one of the most painful things that a woman can go through. For us girls, as soon as we find out that there are two pink lines, it's a baby. It's not a foetus, it is not an embryo, it's a baby. It's the future, it's a human being, it's alive and it's mine. And it's love, passion and compassion that floods the heart.

And yes, abortion does make me angry. I make no apologies for it.

I still have no answers why miscarriage happens. I still don't have the magic words to say to a woman who, figuratively speaking, is knocked on the ground and grasping for breath to get through those first weeks after she finds out. And it still makes me incredibly angry and hurt to hear when someone is going through it.

I have a little baby inside of me now and in a few months we'll meet him. I love him from the bottom of my heart but there are still times when I think of the baby I lost and quietly cry. There is still a little bit of sadness for the life that I will never get to meet, love, cherish and celebrate. That said, the verse from Psalm 27: 13 that I hung on to has come true "I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living".

It does get easier with time. The good that it brought in my life was closeness with my husband, who was a rock for me through those first few months and allowed me to grieve and cushioned me in the lowest moments. And I feel that as a person this experience allowed me to find some deeper corners of compassion in my heart.

Agsisms

2011-09-12T18:32:00.000+10:00

I wouldn't say it's Latvian for Pale Ale but it's definitely come out of the Latvian's vocabulary. For years I could not figure out what "Polly Ollie" meant...

99 more days

2011-09-07T18:00:00.000+10:00

Work has been more than busy and it is hard to believe how quickly time is flying by. Today marks 99 days which means that I am over 2/3 through.

I used to be petrified of labor. Absolutely scared but ever since this baby announced that he's arriving peace has filled me completely. I think I am so excited about meeting this little guy that the pain of labor is not even standing in the way.

This month will go by even faster as we are packing and moving in less than a month. Then settling in the new house and wrapping up my job for the end of November/December.

I can't help by smile.

I finally did it!!!!

2011-08-31T21:29:00.003+10:00

In the lift today:

Neighbour: Oh, you are expecting a baby?
Me: What baby???

I've wanted to do this since day one. I cracked up laughing and it was hilarious (to me), she probably swore to herself never to ask that question again :)

What I've been up to

2011-08-28T21:05:00.002+10:00

I love that there are opportunities to do something creative and do it for good friends. Here are select pages from my first ever catalogue!

House owners

2011-08-28T08:14:00.004+10:00

When I first saw this house on the website I thought to myself "this has got a character", we went and looked at it but it was right after we'd seen another house we'd fallen in love with. We didn't get the first house because it was a bit out of our price range. So we came back to this and had another look. After quite a bit of mmming and hmmmming, we realised that we love it and put an offer in that the sellers accepted.

My favorite thing about this house is that it has character. The front part of the house is on a road (not too busy), the back is a whole rainforest that can be watched from a lovely deck. In 10 minutes while I was on the deck, I saw parakeets, kookaburras, Australian bushturkeys, and a whole family of cockatoos flew over. It was amazing. I am hoping that this will help with the fact that we are moving from the city to the burbs and will live 15 kms out of the city.

We already have ideas of things we want to do and how we want to do it to make it even nicer. But it's perfect for now to move in with a baby and not having to do any major construction work.

It's not a huge house but it will be perfect for us at this stage of our lives. I am so excited as this is our first home as a married couple and our first home for our soon-to-be little family. Finally I can paint walls and put large pictures on them and I don't have to worry about how many holes I will leave behind.

I am also a little nervous - the prices on homes are astronomical in Australia but it's because the banking system is more stable and the demand is high. But there is always that worry in the back of the mind - what if the economy collapses in the world, what if we can't resell the house, what if something happens while we are on one salary with me staying home with the baby and so on. A good friend of mine said some wise words "You can't live in fear, sometimes you have to take the first step and trust that God will guide you". So we prayed about it together and took that step.

I am so excited to move in there and see my baby boy take first steps there and play with his toys. I am excited to have guests over and provide a place that is so relaxing for people who will need to take a weekend off and change the scenery. I am excited to have our parents over there, when the new baby comes home and to build our memories as a family.

House-hunting

2011-08-20T09:33:00.002+10:00

We were looking for a house wisely. Without rush, without worries. We had all the time in the world because even though the lease here is ending on September 16, we could re-sign it. In fact we were a bit cocky about the whole thing driving our offers right down to the bottom. So even though I don't particularly enjoy the process, I could handle it.

That was until I was informed that the owners of the place we are renting are planning to sell it.

Which leaves us less than a month.

That's when first came shock. Then panic. Then very snotty kleenexes. Moving twice with a big belly is no fun. It's not even fun to move once with a belly. Buying first thing that comes along is not wise. So what do we do????

This story is to be continued. At this point we've found a house we could live in but it's half hour from the city. Since we've lived pretty much in the city so far AND LOVED IT, it's a difficult choice. If we try to buy something that is closer, it generally tends to be out of our reach, or it's a really below average house, which would still be good 20 minute drive.

I also have some very funny stories and some photos that I will post. For north americans who read this blog, the prices and what you get for that will be shocking - I guarantee that.

OK, we are off to the first house to look at today! Say a prayer.

pregnancy brain

2011-08-14T20:04:00.005+10:00

The post below is the first official case... Apparently that photo below is of a baby size at 20 weeks. How come corn is supposed to be bigger???

my little 22 week old squash baby

2011-08-14T18:57:00.004+10:00

Photo: Babycenter.com

I still find the vegetable comparisons a little off from week to week but it's nice to have something to reference the size of the baby week to week (I like the weeks that show things like spaghetti squash better than the ones that compare to carrots or bananas :)

In other news, who invented ice cream? I want to write a hand written thank you note. I cannot stop eating it. Also, the bum is growing at about the same rate as the belly...

Also, this morning marked the first time when I stood in front of the closet and could not find anything that would fit and match. The top and the bottom coordination was not happening.

baby boy

2011-07-28T20:37:00.003+10:00

i have to say that feeling a baby boy, the size of a mango, moving inside and giving me a little kick and a tap from time to time is one of the coolest things i've ever experienced.

trying to navigate through oceans of stroller choices is a completely different thing. i do not like it. at all.

a day out of the ordinary

2011-07-28T20:28:00.003+10:00

yesterday i woke up and stayed in bed for over an hour. i kept looking at the clock and thinking that i should get up and get ready for work. i finally dragged myself out of bed, started getting dressed and decided... to take the day off. for absolutely no reason at all. just because. why not?! so i called to work and told them that i am not coming.

it was an amazing day!

i cleaned and got the house tidy as we've been running around like chickens the last few weeks and weekends. i took two naps. i watched pointless tv. i read. i relaxed.

most importantly, i did not feel guilty even the tiniest little bit. i felt like i did exactly what i had to do.

it felt fantastic!

The prayer prayed at the Kansas House of Representatives in Topeka in 1996

2011-07-23T18:19:00.003+10:00

Heavenly Father, we come before you to ask your forgiveness.
We seek your direction and your guidance.
We know your word says, "Woe to those who call evil good." But that's what we've done.
We've lost our spiritual equilibrium. We have inverted our values.
We have ridiculed the absolute truth of your word in the name of moral pluralism.
We have worshiped other gods and called it multiculturalism.
We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.
We've exploited the poor and called it a lottery.
We've neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
In the name of choice, we have killed our unborn.
In the name of right to life, we have killed abortionists.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.
We have abused power and called it political savvy.
We have coveted our neighbour's possessions and called it taxes.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honoured values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, oh, God, and know our hearts today. Try us. Show us any wickedness within us. Cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of the State of Kansas, and that they have been ordained by you to govern this great state. Grant them your wisdom to rule. May their decisions direct us to the centre of your will. And, as we continue our prayer and as we come in out of the fog, give us clear minds to accomplish our goals as we begin this Legislature. For we pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

Pastor Joe Wright

2011-07-22T22:40:00.001+10:00

It's a boy!!!!!

First real photos of Baby M!

2011-07-22T10:08:00.003+10:00

I will announce the gender of the baby here in a day or two, after we tell our parents. The baby is healthy, everything appears to be fine and I have a smile that reaches from one ear to the other.

18 weeks

2011-07-18T19:27:00.001+10:00

Less than a week away from the mid-way point!

Photo: babycenter.com

On Friday we should (hopefully) find out if it's a boy or a girl - do I need to say how excited I am?

New York City

2011-07-17T18:24:00.006+10:00

I love New York. I always have and I have absolutely no idea how to put in words why I love it so much.

The closest I can come is to say that I love how vast, rich in character yet personable it feels.

It's not the glitzy parts that tend to be the touristy parts that captivate me. It's the little places that are discoverable along the way.

This has nothing to do with Sex and the City, I loved it way before the show made it even more popular. I loved it from the first time I went there when I was living in Central Jersey to the last time, when we spent unforgettable time with precious friends there.

I accept that part of my love for New York is the fact that I've never had to live there and face the daily, annoying things that come with living in any place permanently. I've only been there to enjoy time off, to indulge in soaking up its character - people, architecture, quirkiness, cultures, accents, coziness, food.

The size of a city does not mean a thing, it's the people who live there who make the city. I've been in huge cities that are blander than chewing on paper. It's not the case with New York. In New York you find something to relate to, something to appreciate and love, you make discoveries, you admire, you hate, you wish, you just want to stay one day longer.

I miss it.

Don't lose it!

2011-07-16T20:14:00.001+10:00

Source:Urhajos

Don't listen to everything they tell you

2011-07-13T20:02:00.003+10:00

So this thing about "pregnancy glow" - I don't know who came up with it but they must have been high.

When my doc asked how I am doing, I told him that the bite-my-husbands-head-off hormone has definitely been released in the last week. He said that a woman's hormone levels increase 100% during pregnancy. I made sure I informed N of this fact. He said that he figured that much out himself...

I will tell you what. Brown spots on my face. Including one smack on the middle of my nose (which should have been distributed between two people, I just got "lucky" with an extra large one - why couldn't I get that little bit of extra in my ... let's say bresteses?!)

Dry skin. Tired pretty much 90% of the day. And my belly doesn't grow like I thought it would - evenly every week. It just pops out and then sits there for a while until the next growth spurt. Right now I am in the the spurt where it's not clear I am pregnant, just look like I love my doughnuts.

So I don't know what "glow" these people talk about. The only glow I get is when I get under covers before a nap or at night (by 'night' I mean like 8 pm...)

All the grizzling aside, one the most amazing things I have ever experienced is little kicks from the inside. This week I am sure it's not just gas. They are definitely little kicks. Whenever I feel one (it's not very often) I think about the tiny size of the little leg or arm that has just tapped me from the inside and I am amazed that I have this incredible gift of having a little baby growing INSIDE of me. From all the places where babies could have come from (early on I was told that storks bring them to mommy and daddy, this theory was replaced by babies growing in cabbages later on - how does that make sense??!!) God gave us, girls, the amazing gift of carrying these little tiny beings inside of us for 9 months.

That, to me, is worth every stretch mark, gagging and toilet hugging episode, patch of brown spots and dry skin.

Week 17

2011-07-11T20:30:00.002+10:00

Photo from the Bump

The whole fruit size thing is cute and all but I don't understand why an onion is supposed to be bigger than an avocado. The avos here are massive and onions little so it doesn't quite work for Australia but that's ok. I still eat it all up :)

Wounded hearts

2011-07-06T13:14:00.001+10:00

I've been reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge. While the book is intended for men, I've been reading it to try to understand better my husband as I've grown up with all girls in the family and feel like I will learn a lot.

I came across a quote that I think is appropriate to men and women, it is very profound. As women we are a little bit better at being able to release the wounds and cry them out but there are still a lot of things that even us, girls, hide deep inside and don't let out:

God is fiercely committed to you, to the restoration and release of your [masculine] heart. But a wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you've embraced is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved is a wound that cannot heal. That is what Brennan Manning says, "The spiritual life begins with the acceptance of our wounded self."

Flowers and card from work colleagues

2011-07-04T10:39:00.000+10:00

A very thoughtful gesture from builders

And I have to say, a very funny one... :)

The perfect drink for a chilly winter afternoon

2011-07-03T15:32:00.004+10:00

I still can't get used to the fact that I live in a country where everything is upside down, including seasons. While I read blogs of my friends enjoying hot summer afternoons, margaritas and splashing in the pool, I am burning candles that smell like Christmas and pull out my super soft, red winter blanket while watching tv.

Today I went to one of the best tea shops on the planet earth T2 and tried one of their chai teas. I walked out with a whole set for making it myself at home.

It is perfection in a cup! Here is how you can also indulge:

Buy loose leaf chai tea
Boil about a cup of water and drop in the tea (don't ask me how much, use your best judgement)
Add a cup of vanilla flavoured soy milk
Let it simmer for a little while
Add honey to taste

Strain it, get comfortable on your couch, close your eyes, smell the spices and enjoy it!

Happy birthday!

2011-07-02T09:56:00.003+10:00

We celebrated the birthday of one of the most awesome people on the planet! I happen to be married to the guy and feel so incredibly blessed! I could go on about all the great qualities that I love about him and tell you what an awesome guy he is but I don't want to make anyone jealous so I will just post some photos.

We went to the American BBQ restaurant with our friends who we have known for 4 years! Needless to say that the ribs didn't have much chance...

We are so blessed to celebrate with the most incredible friends here!

It wasn't just a birthday celebration, to us it was also celebrating 4 years of meeting the beautiful family who are amazing people.

We feel incredibly blessed to have our friends here who have totally adopted us into their family. There was a post I wrote on June 28, 2007, soon after we'd come to Australia where more than anything I wanted someone to invite us to a meal. For some reason, to me that seemed like someone would show they care. That year, on July 1, we went to church and met them, one of the first things they did after they asked for our name was invite us for a lunch.

I think I sniffled little tears of happiness and thankfulness that night because of the answer to prayer that meeting them was.

Since then, we have a family here! It would never have been the same if not for meeting them.

The lucky duck that my hubby is, he also received some really awesome gifts. Here are some of the cute ones (notice the baby theme...) :) The others were just as great - such as going to a video game expo with his friend. He was smiling ear to ear when he received it, I know that he really really wanted to do it but it's never the same to go by himself.

These might be a bit small for N so they might have to wait until our little addition to the family :)

Little baby M

2011-07-02T09:33:00.004+10:00

This was taken at 9 weeks, I am 16 weeks now, so the baby is almost twice the size. In fact this week apparently the baby is the size of an avocado.

Photo from Baby Centre

It totally doesn't feel/look that way. I do have a little belly but I don't think it has much to do with the baby, more with last night's big dinner... So I don't know where little Rupert (as Neil calls him/her in a ridiculous British accent) is hiding. I will ask for an ultrasound in my next appointment on Wednesday.

The only indication that I am pregnant is the fact that I still start gagging uncontrollably (it's pretty hilarious) if I walk in a place that smells bad, good smells don't bother me. I am tired most of the time in afternoons and whenever I look in the mirror I have to laugh, I don't hide tiredness very well. That and maybe I am a little bit hungrier than I've been pre-pregnancy but not that huge of a difference. The crazies of first trimester bloating, headaches, non stop eating, mood swings, and all the rest (which I think I handled pretty well if I may say so myself) are gone.

It's time

2011-06-29T20:01:00.003+10:00

I suppose it's time that I tell the world through this little medium that we are expecting! And I smile from ear to ear when I think about it.

I am 15 and a half weeks now and it's been a really good pregnancy so far. I do get the normal pregnancy symptoms but in a way I am happy about every bout of nausea and craving I get - it means things are going well!

I suppose it's been very different this time around. I don't take anything for granted and I keep my heart a little bit at a distance, just in case. This pregnancy has made me realise how big of a shock losing the last one was. When I finally was ready to tell people at work, I stuttered to make a public announcement in the staff meeting. This was very different than the last time when I had a big bowl of Snickers and Twixes ready to hand out. I keep telling myself that I need to have more faith but my heart is still protecting itself.

It's a quiet happiness. The most surprising thing is that even I, who has never been a baby/kiddie/children type of person, am so excited about having a little one. I peak into strollers that are pushed by me and smile at little babies. I used to be seriously scared of labor and now, when facing it is more real than ever before, I know that I will be fine to get through it.

There are some funny moments as well. My biggest problem is certain smells. The one that sets me off with just a few molecules in the air is Neil's spray deodorant. The poor guy has to go to the other bathroom to put it on and even then I gag because I can pick it up when he walks by. Another time I had to dash to the toilet at work because I opened the dishwasher and the smell of cleaner hit my nose, that was it for the rest of the day. The funniest moment in this pregnancy was the day when I was taking a shower and after getting out I must have smelled something in the soaps and it just hit me like a brick wall. So I was running out of the bathroom to get away from it (still dripping wet) and then having to dash back in to be near toilet where the smell was still in the air.

The only craving I get is for watermelons. I could eat watermelon 3 times a day and it still would not be enough. It's not the worst thing considering that some women crave things like rocks and dirt...

As a woman, it's interesting to watch how I am changing. My skin has aged. I look tired pretty much three hours after I wake up. My belly is very slowly starting to show. Physical exercises get harder and I get out of breath very easily. There are also certain perks. Like my bresteses have reached sizes I didn't know were possible on my body.

The thing that I enjoy the most is this expectation. Our life is going to change forever. I can't wait for it. I have so much love in me that I can't wait to pour into this little one. It is overflowing in me.

It is going to be amazing!

My heart...

2011-06-17T18:11:00.000+10:00

...is ready for new beginnings

My heart...

2011-06-16T18:10:00.000+10:00

...is filled with expectation

My heart...

2011-06-15T18:10:00.000+10:00

...is filled with excitement

My heart...

2011-06-14T18:08:00.000+10:00

...is filled with blessings

My heart...

2011-06-13T18:08:00.000+10:00

...is filled with grace

My heart...

2011-06-12T18:06:00.001+10:00

...is full of gentleness

My heart...

2011-06-11T18:05:00.000+10:00

...is full of love

My heart...

2011-06-10T18:04:00.000+10:00

...is full of thankfullness

My heart...

2011-06-09T18:02:00.000+10:00

...is full of happiness

My heart...

2011-06-06T20:57:00.001+10:00

...is full of light

June 17

2011-06-05T13:41:00.003+10:00

If things would have remained, I would be counting down days now. It would have been 12 days until the day that we would have met our firstborn.

Yesterday good friends took me for a day in the rainforest to have girls time. I had no idea what it was about until I opened the beautiful card and the words inside made me feel so loved and cared for. They remembered, they knew that the day is approaching and they wanted me to know that they care and that it matters. That this baby, even if I will never meet him here, will always be remembered. I felt so loved.

So I had a good cry, we had a cry together and it felt good.

I feel like I have moved past the raw emotions and pain. I have put it behind me. I have forgiven God. I don't have a ranging anger inside anymore. I have laid it to rest. I still think about it from time to time but it's not with great sadness. It's more of an acknowledgement of what happened.

H. Macey once said that the spiritual life cannot be made suburban. I think that sorrow widens the soul in some ways. When we are truly broken with no options left and turn to God, there are beautiful things that take place. I don't know why they are born in sadness but in my life the truly good has come after the very difficult. Maybe it is so I don't grow too prideful, maybe to so I stay soft to those who are hurting around me but there is something sincere and profound that is born in pain. If we get through it and able to survive. The only way to get through it is to cling to God.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new journey will start. I feel like I am standing in front of the Grand Canyon and I need to take the step of faith and trust. It is the hardest thing in the world. My mind has been a battle ground for the last few days. All the while I keep hearing a soft "Trust in me. Faith pleases God".

New Zealand

2011-05-27T02:01:00.000+10:00

Finally I got to posting the photos from our trip! These are just a tiny few of the volumes that have been stored on numerous hard drives. I figure this is a good taste for the beauty of New Zealand.

It was really a wonderful, relaxing trip. We drove over 1600 kms (990 miles) from the top of the South Island to the bottom and back.

There was a sight to see around every corner.

I also took some very sweet naps along the way... :)

We took some boat rides and ate some very delicious food and had a wonderful time together.

The US embassy in Latvia

2011-05-26T01:43:00.002+10:00

From time to time I check out the Riga City Photos blog which makes me miss home just a smidge but also brings back so many memories. In addition, I get updated on new developments and buildings in my home city, Riga.

This guy, Ikars, is an amazing photographer and is doing such a great and faithful job of updating his blog regularly.

In one of his posts, he's put a photo of the new US embassy in Latvia, this is what it looks like:

(Photo by Riga City Photos, Ikars)

Am I the only who thinks it looks more like a prison than an embassy? Isn't it a little bit sad?

I WILL get over this cold very soon!

2011-05-26T00:57:00.004+10:00

I've been reading "Blessings or Curse" by Derek Prince, which I highly recommend to those who believe in God. Very interesting, eye-opening and old school in the way of the sometimes uncomfortable truth rather than the feel-good messages.

One of the chapters talks about self-imposed curses that are often said in off-hand comments such as "This is killing me" or "It almost gave me a heart attack", etc. I have so much to learn in this area as I catch myself saying empty, useless things often to be funny or just because I am used to. I have a feeling that this might be a bit of a battle like it was with my sugar cravings, but I know it is possible!

(By the way, remember that sugar free life I enjoyed? It lasted for a while and I felt great but then vacations happened.... That's a whole another story).

This book is such an eye-opener to so many things in life that I do without thinking. Especially when it comes to things I say about myself and about others. Often times I feel terrible afterwards and know that I've crossed boundaries but while in the situation it feels good. I find it such a battle because saying something is so easy and you can't take it back once it's spilled. Saying things is quick, sometimes they escape before I even realise the real message I've just said. The Bible has so much to say about idle words. I thank God for grace.

So to practice this, instead of saying "I've got a terrible cold", I've been saying "I am fighting a cold and I am winning the battle".

And hot tea in the middle of the night sometimes does so much more than just soothes the sore throat... :)

Whitsundays

2011-05-24T07:42:00.003+10:00

OK, so lesson number one is that photoshop is still an awesome program.

Maybe we were not taken to the places where it looks like the photo in the previous post but this is about the closest to a pristine beach that we saw:

(that's our boat unloading us)

Granted, there are something like 100 islands (I am just guessing here so don't quote me), and I am sure that the those sorts of places are the furthest away (as it always works out) but we didn't see them.

I can say that the sand on Whitehaven beach was pretty spectacular. Apparently it's silica (once again, I have no idea what that means) but it did shine our jewellery up nicely.

Anyway, we had a great time. It was relaxing and it was lovely to spend a day with N since between his and my work schedules we had not seen each other in a while.

Whirlwind travel

2011-05-19T21:49:00.003+10:00

I would love to write a long story about the beautiful old buildings in Adelaide, where I was last week and the amazing Greek food and Spanish tapas I had in Melbourne this week. I am sure that Whitsundays, where N's work is flying us to this weekend, will be no less impressive. It seems like long months of working through mountains of work has come to lovely rewards of being able to travel and relax a bit. I will do just that this weekend on a boat, floating through pristine blue water while soaking up the sunshine. I feel blessed.

Our version of flash dance...

2011-05-11T22:38:00.003+10:00

Don't ask why, how, or when but these are my colleagues (including the CEO) in the park near my workplace. I am in there somewhere too (looking like a total dork)... Who knew I'd be involved in sort of a flash dance?!

My mandarin tree

2011-05-07T07:02:00.003+10:00

I was born in Latvia. I remember days in winter when the temperatures reached -30C (-22F), I think I remember one day in the summer when it was about +30C (86F) but maybe I am just imagining. On average, summer temperatures are about 20-25C (upper 60sF). And it rains. A LOT. Most of the time. In the summer. In the fall. In the winter. In the spring. I remember rain the most. When I left Latvia at the age of 18, I remember thinking that if I never saw rain or snow again, I would be perfectly fine with that.

Latvia is still my home in my heart. It always will be. I feel it deep in my bones. It is so familiar. Despite the rain, despite the cold, I love it from the depths of my heart. It will never change.

My whole life I have wanted to live in a country where there are palm trees growing on the streets. It was a bit of an unreachable dream. Until my hubby and I decided that what the heck - why wouldn't we move to the subtropical Brisbane, Australia?! And so we did. And I love it.

Recently we stopped by nursery and picked out this mandarin tree. It is happily growing on our balcony now and catching the sunrays to ripen the fruit.

More than just the pretty colours of the fruit and the joy that it gives me every time I look at it, it represents answered prayers for adventure in my life. It represents God hearing my prayers for travelling the world. It represents my dreams coming fulfilled - I am living in a country with palm trees as part of the city landscape. I feel blessed.

David Wilkerson

2011-04-28T21:01:00.004+10:00

I have so much respect and love in my heart for David Wilkerson, even though I have never met him. He didn't boast about his faith, rather it was evident by his messages - honest and full of hope and encouragement. His relationship with God brought hope to some very dark moments in my life through his messages. His walk was inspiring.

He has passed away today in a car accident at the age of 79. I feel a great loss.

Conquering fears

2011-04-27T20:35:00.003+10:00

I always feel a little bit guilty when I am scared. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I have this thought that if I really trusted God, I would not be scared. But it's a battle every time. From the smallest and silliest things to the biggest, life-changing issues.

My mom, who is a trained psychologist, said that to deal with fear, the best thing to do is to imagine the worst possible outcome, face it and it will never be as bad as you imagine. I've tried it. It sort of works with the smaller stuff.

I also have an army of Bible verses that I revisit in dark moments. I wish I could say that they work instantly. Usually they don't. I end up almost chanting them over and over again. Feverishly praying for peace that transcends understanding.

I have to say that the peace does come. Often from unexpected places. Sometimes I stop and realise that the peace has filled my soul.

Eventually.
Miraculously.

The thing that brings peace is accepting that even if it does not make sense right now, there is a plan. It is not an accident. Nothing is an accident with the God who created millions of stars, seasons, plants, humans, complexity all around that is so perfectly orchestrated. Nothing is an accident, and whatever I am facing is not an accident, it won't just slip through the cracks, it won't be just a blind pick. Accepting that I am of great value, that my life is precious. Knowing that in my darkest hours, even when I feel like I am in the middle of the desert, unable to carry on, I am not alone.

Maybe it's because of my acceptance of the fact that my creator is in control of every detail of my life. But I believe it is something deeper - God himself pouring peace into a mind that is tired of racing, just at the right time.

New Zealand

2011-04-27T20:13:00.003+10:00

More of New Zealand coming soon

Looking forward

2011-04-14T21:20:00.003+10:00

Getting pregnant woke something up in me that I have never felt before. All of a sudden there was this love and tenderness that I felt filled with and running over like honey that is being poured in a container that is overflowing. It went from "I am not ready for children and quite happy with my life" to "I want this more than words can describe" overnight. Being pregnant for that short period of time was one of the most beautiful things that has ever happened to me. There is some wiring in us that I was not aware existed.

I can't wait until it happens again.

Easter

2011-04-14T21:12:00.004+10:00

(Image from Hostess with the Mostess)

This is how we used to colour eggs when I was a little girl. I remember thinking then that it's a bit boring, I wanted bright colours in pinks and purples but there was no such thing (until I landed in the USA). Now when I look at it, it looks so sophisticated, natural and really beautiful.

The directions are attached to the post, so if you want to try something new, Hostess with the Mostess has the directions spelled out for you!

Sugar free

2011-04-14T20:58:00.003+10:00

Hey, have I told you that I am still not eating sugar? I have no idea how long it's been but I think I am starting to forget what chocolate tastes like. I think I am ok with that.

Pros:
I got my tests back and my immunity is certainly improved and issues I was fighting seem to be under control

I have lost about ... 3 kg without trying

I feel good

I can't say that I miss sugar, it took a while, I have to admit, and there are still certain times of the month when I want something sweet but fruit seem to do the trick now

Cons:
It's no fun when people are celebrating birthdays

Desserts have this evil way of looking really delicious so even if I don't want it with my belly, I sometimes still want it with my eyes

I have to find other things to eat when people dig into their chocolate cake because I start feeling sorry for myself

I miss the comfort factor of chocolate

Blessings

2011-04-14T20:50:00.003+10:00

I feel so blessed to have the assistant I have. She is a truly amazing girl (three exclamation marks here) that I feel that she deserves a whole post dedicated to her.

Everything works out for the good...

Part 3 - my google reader

2011-04-05T22:55:00.002+10:00

Here are the sites I visit when I need a good giggle.
www.awkwardfamilypetphotos.com
www.awkwardstockphotos.com/post/4346854633
www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com
www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com
www.damnyouautocorrect.com
www.thereifixedit.failblog.org
www.peopleofwalmart.com

Part 1 - Blogs
Part 2 - Design/style/photo blogs and sites

Tuesday night

2011-04-05T22:44:00.002+10:00

I feel like after yesterday's post I need to follow up with something a bit more upbeat.

I don't have much to share but the wonderful night that Neil and I had tonight - drinking a bottle of wine which also included spilling wine on our light carpet, getting purple/blue teeth, having deep, philosophical discussions about the choice of recipes on My Kitchen Rules and finishing the night by almost spelling "Kitchen" as "Kitchin".

I love my husband.

Hanging in hope

2011-04-04T21:52:00.002+10:00

This Sunday as I was standing in church during the worship time and the girl on the stage was singing so full of happiness, she asked the audience "Aren't you full of joy?" As she was saying those words and everyone around me erupted in clapping, tears started pouring out of me. The dam finally broke. I could not sing, there were no words in me to pray, I could not look at the screen to see what the words to the song were. I was just standing there are crying and as she kept asking the same question in different variations, all I could think about that was that these last few weeks happiness and joy is exactly what is lacking. While life goes on normally around me and I laugh at jokes and go on with my job, on the inside it's been a dark time.

For months and months it's all been mostly internal. People expect you to move on, or at least to not bring it up as it is not the most pleasant dinner topic. You are sort of expected to get a grip on your emotions. I think I did it really well for a while until I started thinking about it all and so many details came to me that made me feel so lost. When it first happened, it was all a big shock, then we were traveling, then there were huge floods, then I thought I was over it all, then we were hosting parents and the day after they left, I sort of fell apart.

Here is a verse that I have given to women who've had miscarriages (which, now that I think must have been very insulting and insensitive because there is nothing that brings comfort at that time). I found it comforting when the pastor went on the stage and read this verse.

Ps 27:13-14 I'm sure now I'll see God's goodness
in the exuberant earth.
Stay with God!
Take heart. Don't quit.
I'll say it again:
Stay with God.
(The Message)

PS 27:13 I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
(NIV)

So I am hanging in hope.

Waving good byes

2011-04-03T08:53:00.003+10:00

Neil's mom and dad left late last night. There was a little twinge of sadness after we waved them good byes. Being in Australia really makes us feel far away from the rest of the world (the average of 25 travel hours to Europe do not help with this feeling)...

It was such a sweet visit. I am blessed with wonderful in-laws...

This morning we are surfing the web, watching tv shows that have been collecting in tivo, catching up on blogs, staying in bed late and generally being lazy - there is an upside to this!

This post is just for girls. Seriously.

2011-03-29T21:56:00.006+11:00

I doubt there are any boys checking this blog out but if you are, trust me, you have no interest in this girl talk.

This is giving advice to girls about stuff that we talk about in places with no boys around. Normally I would not talk about personal things like this on a blog; however, this seriously works and prayers that I have been sending for about ... 25 years have been answered. The best part? It's all NATURAL! No more antibiotics and no more chemicals. I have found a natural cure for bladder infections! Seriously.

I have suffered beyond description for years and years and years. I have taken so many antibiotics that the economy for a small country could be supported. The worst part about it was that it never had lasting effects. Sometimes as short as a few days afterwards I'd be back to being in so much pain I could not move.

I recently started looking into other issues and found some websites of people talking about D Mannose and how this has solved their problems with urinary tract infections. Of course that I had to be the test bunny and see if it works. I can vouch 100% that it has worked for me so far.

Here is what I gotD Mannose from this site with cranberry goodness already added in. These guys also ship to Australia.

From what I understand, this is a naturally occurring sugar that the bacteria attaches itself to and as long as you drink enough, everything gets flushed out.

If I would have known years ago about this, maybe the natural flora inside me would be more in tact and I would not have to work as hard now to strengthen and rebuild my immunity.

I still take cranberry (I find equivalent of about 1500 g of fruit, pills, work best) but I think this is a better option for prevention rather than cure, where D Mannose seems to do the trick to actually get rid of any UTI pain at the first sign of it.

Antibiotics are so damaging but there was no other options for years. The doctors I saw, even specialists, knew that I've been on 9, 10 sometimes 11 courses of antibiotics in the last year would just prescribe more. It was such a vicious circle. This is the end of it.

I have whole wealth of knowledge about rebuilding immunity, probiotics, bacterial balance and all sorts of stuff so if you need, please email me and I am happy to share some of the best and most helpful websites I have found.

City living

2011-03-26T09:07:00.006+11:00

I met my husband and his parents in the city for a late lunch and a stroll through the shops. It was a perfect afternoon (especially considering that most everyone else was working while I had the afternoon off).

I was born in a city, I grew up in a city and when I spent my almost 10 years in the US, I missed cities so deeply that I could feel it in my bones.

These are some of my favourite things in a city:
crowds of people
afternoon heat
beautiful arcades hidden between buildings
honking of cars
peaceful parks in the middle of the hustle and bustle
very talented buskers
coffee shops with people sitting outside and taking a little coffee break
the smell of dust
city slickers grabbing a quick lunch
discovering beautiful architectural elements in old buildings when I look up
beautifully-dressed people
buses that manoeuvre in the traffic
discovering new cool eateries
little private bookshops
the constant struggle for road space between bikers and drivers
hidden alleys with coffee shops
favourite flower shop
new bakery with oh-so-fresh buns
waiting at the lights..

I am so lucky to be back in a city.

The Pacific

2011-03-20T17:53:00.003+11:00

This morning we went for a little walk on the beach. Living here and looking at the photos below makes me realise how much I take for granted living in this stunning country.

Australia has so many beaches that are completely wild, beautiful and natural. The salty smell of the air, bird cries and the feeling of warm, salty water wash over your feet while they sink in the sand are so relaxing.

Even clouds gathering for a storm look beautiful on the beach.

2011-03-17T20:42:00.001+11:00

Happiness at 8 am

2011-03-17T09:02:00.004+11:00

This morning Neil dropped me off at 7, as usual, we got a cup of coffee in the downstairs coffee shop and I come to the office. I have been enjoying my cup of long black with cold milk, reading blogs and listening to Zero 7.

Just for a few minutes I have been able to put aside all my heartaches about babies, close my eyes and soak in the amazing sounds coming through my headphones while enjoying the bitter taste of coffee. I am savouring this moment of the happiness.

Give it Away is the best song from all Zero 7 albums, if you ask me.

Permanent residency

2011-03-16T22:32:00.001+11:00

It took me six years to get a response from the government in the US regarding permanent residency. By the time I got it, I had left the country and it wasn't valid anymore.

It took us six weeks to be approved to become permanent residents here.

I think it calls for some bubbly!

Two unrelated things

2011-03-13T09:07:00.005+11:00

1. On weekends my husband gets up and makes hazelnut coffee in the plunger and brings it to me while I am still in bed. One of the things I love about him is how neat and tidy he is, which also translates into making a simple cup of coffee - he has his own technique of exactly how much coffee and hot water, how long it needs to sit and in what way it has to be stirred. Don't forget to add just the right amount of milk.

I think it is one of the sweetest, kindest things that makes me feel so loved. I hope I tell him enough how much I love and appreciate him.

2. I've been following Sarah Hepola blog for years. If you are looking for something good to read, find her early blog entries about traveling around Ecuador around 2001 and a roadtrip around USA to start with and then just read the whole thing... Now she lives in NYC (one of my favouritest places in the world) and writes for very cool online media.

I feel like her friend when I read her stories, her writing is light, engaging and so approachable. Yesterday I read some of her entries and in a spur of a moment sent her an email saying "Sarah, you are such an amazing writer!". I woke up this morning with an email back from her saying that my email came at just the right time - she was sitting down to write something and felt so inadequate.

This little interaction made me smile.

St Patty's Day parade in Brisbane

2011-03-12T19:49:00.001+11:00

2011-03-12T09:17:00.001+11:00

Make your own wordle

Bringing hope

2011-03-11T08:16:00.004+11:00

A long time ago, my Canadian mommy sent me a link to David Wilkerson's blog. Ever since then I receive it in my email every weekday. I have so much respect for the man. He is one of those very few people, who by their sheer existence make you want to find God and grow closer to him. It is never about David Wilkerson, it is always about God and people who are hurting and need hope. I think that in his fall season, his ministry is to bring hope to the hurting people around him and point them to God. Even with that, he is not afraid to speak the truth, even if it is something that is not pleasant to hear. But he always, I can honestly say - always - brings hope in his messages. There is comfort and love in his words. So many times his little blog posts have given me the hope that I needed to get up and keep going in these last few months.

When we were in NYC this past winter, Felicia and I went to the Times Square Church where David Wilkerson is the founding pastor. This is the second time I've been there. It is so popular (the book that he wrote is known around the world) that people have to line up to get in there. Thankfully, Feli had a big belly in front of her and we got prime seats, which I honestly think were the last two seats in the whole auditorium (should I feel guilty for using the situation to our advantage in church? No! :))

I happened to sit next to one of the regular church-goers, she asked me if this was my first time at the church. We had a nice chat and I told her that I read David's blog from Australia. She got serious and said "You need to pray for him, his grandchild has a brain tumour and they have done chemo but it wasn't as effective as they hoped".

In his messages, he often talks about the pain he's gone through over the years as his wife, daughters, grandchildren have had cancer. In all honesty, I don't understand how someone who has gone through so much pain is able to bring so much hope to hurting people around him.

I woke up this morning before six from a dream that I am in hospital heartbroken because I am not pregnant. Dark mood has been hovering over me since I got out of bed. I got to work early and read my emails. Todays blog entry from David has this message:

"When Israel was captive in Babylon, mourning over the loss of homes and families, enduring grief and trouble, God sent word to them through Jeremiah: “For I know my thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not evil, to give you an expected end” (Jeremiah 29:11). God said to his people, “Your nightmare is going to end. I have only good, loving thoughts toward you, and if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me” (see Jeremiah 29:11-13)."

Jeremiah 29:11-13 has been popping up in my life many times lately. I accept it with my mind, I am just working on letting it seep into me so I accept it in my heart. But I can't imagine a more comforting message this morning.

Part 2 - my google reader

2011-03-10T23:37:00.002+11:00

Here are the design/style/photo/diy blogs I visit:

www.apartmenttherapy.com
www.blackeiffel.blogspot.com
www.designspongeonline.com
www.housemartin.typepad.com
www.ohjoy.blogs.com
www.saipua.blogspot.com (LOVE)
www.sfgirlbybay.com
www.swiss-miss.com

New South Wales

2011-03-10T23:25:00.000+11:00

Tropical fruit world

2011-03-06T19:18:00.002+11:00

Some photos that will appear on my facebook in the next few weeks from our trip to a little tropical fruit farm on the Gold Coast.

Brisbane, Australia

2011-03-05T09:34:00.009+11:00

Little Instagram shots that I've been taking every day on my way to and from work. Love this app! It's my twitter! :)

Visitors

2011-03-05T09:15:00.004+11:00

Neil's mom and dad arrived last week and are staying with us for a while. Having an almost vegan mother-in-law is good for my health and figure ;) It's nice to see them at night, when I get home and there is a healthy carrot/celery/brocolli/whatever else is healthy juice waiting for me and fresh salads and creative no-sugar desserts! Mmmmmmm. People pay a lot of money to be able to eat like we do.

I have to say, Neil is not even close to sharing this excitement as he is very much a carnivore...

Having guests also means that this space is left unattended for a little bit but I will be back!

books vs web

2011-02-27T08:43:00.004+11:00

Ever since my friend showed me Google Reader, I've been hooked. I've built a long list of sites besides the ones of my friends who I have started to frequent to get a good giggle, get some excellent style tips and design ideas, and feel like I am traveling around the world with good friends, besides many more things. This also brought me back here, to my own blog. However, all my lovely books have been sitting and gathering dust. And there is so much good stuff!

My reader has different categories - blogs, style, christian, food (vegan tops the charts for innovation and healthy), funny, and other.

Here are the blogs that I love to read:
http://lauraandfriends.wordpress.com
http://www.kellehampton.com
http://lifeinthemarriedlane.com
http://mrmrsglobetrot.blogspot.com
http://taza-and-husband.blogspot.com
http://or-so-i-feel.blogspot.com
http://www.willswanson.net

Hanging in faith

2011-02-26T17:52:00.002+11:00

God’s love is meteoric,
His loyalty astronomic,
His purpose titanic,
His verdicts oceanic.

Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost;
Not a man,
not a mouse, slips through the cracks.

How exquisite your love, O God!

Psalm 36:5-7 (The Message)

Losing my pregnancy seriously shook something up inside. The fact that I had a miscarriage was difficult enough but I think I would have had a much easier time to accept it if not for all the prayers that were sent our way. Somehow, I don't have a hard time accepting that fact that God might not answer my prayers because I know that sometimes I don't live honouring him. In my mind, if I am not 100% dedicated to him, I can't expect him to answer my prayers. But there were people, who I see as holy, praying hard and I still lost this baby.

It has made me question faith. It has made me question God. It has made me question prayer. It has made me question the purpose of everything I do and believe because all of these things are stacked up on top of each other and if one becomes wobbly, they all become shaky.

I don't have an answer to any of it. I've been drifting for weeks which are turning into months. I can't find anything to hold on to as far as faith goes.

There was a time when I would have been the first one to say that I know God because I have experienced him. Now I feel a bit left behind and let down. I still don't doubt anything that I have experienced in my life and at times really felt God's presence but I am confused.

I find that through times like this a person floats and often it is the people around who help through. It is not my prayers that are helping me get through this, it is the people who are close and who know me well enough. I am so thankful for them.